‘Old’ is when you can remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
A man visited an elderly aunt in hospital. While they were chatting she offered
him some peanuts. As soon as he had finished them she offered him some more. As
he was leaving she told him to take the rest of the peanuts with him. “Don’t you
like peanuts?” he asked. “They get stuck in my dentures,” she replied, “so I just
suck the chocolate off them.”
An elderly couple were in church one Sunday. Halfway through the service, the wife
leaned over and whispered in her husband’s ear, "I've just let out a silent fart.
What do you think I should do?" The husband replied, "I think you should put a new
battery in your hearing aid."
A couple of old men were sitting on the patio at their nursing home when they saw
86 year-old Ethel streak past them, stark naked. First old man, “Was that Ethel?
Second old man, “I think so.” First old man, “What was that pink thing she was
wearing?” Second old man, “I don’t know but it sure needs ironing!”
An elderly lady in a nursing home had a habit of lifting the front of her nightgown
and saying, “Super sex.” She walked up to an elderly gentleman who was wearing
a hearing aid. She lifted the front of her nightgown and said, “Super sex.” The
elderly chap thought for a moment and then said, “I think I’ll have the soup.”
My doctor refused to give me Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole
on a condemned building.
There are three signs of old age. The first is loss of memory. I can’t remember
the other two.
He used to be tough and ruthless. Now he’s rough and toothless.
Grandma gives Grandpa a quarter of a Viagra tablet in his cocoa each night. It keeps
him from rolling out of bed.
Not only do humour and laughter have social benefits, they also have proven benefits
for mental health, physical health and emotional health. Laughter triggers biochemical
changes which reduce stress, lower blood pressure, elevate mood, boost the immune
system, improve brain functions and protect the heart.
Age jokes. Pensioner jokes. Look at the funny side of life. Laughter is the best
medicine. Laughter heals and laughter brings people together.
A couple arranged for an elderly aunt to move into a retirement home. The staff
welcomed her on her arrival and sat her on a large comfortable settee in a communal
lounge. After a while the old lady began slowly to lean to one side. Almost immediately
a nurse rushed up an put a large cushion by her side. Gradually the old lady began
to lean to the other side. Almost immediately a nurse rushed up and propped the
old lady up with another large cushion by her other side. In the evening the young
couple visited the old lady and asked her anxiously how she was settling in. “It’s
fine,” she said, “but they won’t let you fart.”
An aging party girl hadn’t been able to get a date or have sex for four years so
she went to visit a Chinese sex therapist. “Take off all your crows and craw to
the other side of room,” he told her. So she did as he instructed. “Now craw back
to me.” “You don’t have date or sex because you have Ed Zachary syndrome,” he said.
“Oh no,” she said, “What’s Ed Zachary syndrome?” The Chinese sex therapist explained,
“Your face look edzachery like your arse.”
Two elderly ladies were discussing the coming dance at the over-sixties club. "We're
supposed to wear something that matches our husband's hair, so I'm wearing black,"
said Mary. "Oh dear," said Betty, "I'd better not go."
An elderly woman was telling her daughter about a date with a 90-year-old man. "Believe
it or not, I had to slap his face three times!" said the woman. "Do you mean the
old man got fresh with you?" the daughter asked in disgust. "Oh, no!" her mother
explained, "I had to keep slapping his face to keep him awake!"
A reporter was interviewing a woman on her 100th birthday. “What’s the best thing
about being 100?" he asked. "No peer pressure," she replied.
The most effective birth-control method for over-fifties is nudity.